Too Good To Last
by lucynknight
Summary: Abby's monologue following a family tragedy


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the ER characters. They belong to the people at Warner Brothers.

A/N: This is my first fic. It's based on the format of Take These Broken Wings in season 2.

Too Good To Last

Everything in our life was perfect. Perfect house, perfect marriage, secure jobs. It's our three year anniversary next week, did I mention that? I got him a card.

To add to our perfect life, I was pregnant. I remember his face when I told him. He said it was the best thing to ever happen to us. I could see in his face that he really meant it. He never had to tell me. 

I went through the usual things, you know, morning sickness, cravings, all that. I really got into mothering mode. He was no better. When I went for my first scan, and he saw our baby for the first time, it really hit home. He looked scared, then started crying. That set me off. The two of us are sat in OB, in floods of tears for no apparent reason. Pretty emotional stuff, you know?

We got the nursery ready after I got through my first trimester. We had a talk about the sex of the baby. I knew it was a girl. I found myself instinctively picking out pink baby clothes. He noticed, of course. He always noticed.

So, it's nearly my due date, and we're on our way to County for my final check-up. I should have known it wouldn't last. Nothing that good ever does. We were in the Jeep on the way to County. He stopped at a light. It changed to red as we were sitting there, completely expected. Then my head hit the dashboard. I sat back and saw him lying on the road in front of the car. He'd gone straight through the windshield. I screamed his name, then blacked out.

In my mind I could see a guy nodding along with the car stereo and drinking a diet coke. Driving a big truck. He wouldn't have been able to stop, even if he'd seen us. I don't know if that was the guy, it all happened so fast.

I came round a while later in County ER. Kerry Weaver was sitting next to the gurney, holding my hand. I tried to speak, but couldn't. I drifted back to sleep.

When I next woke, Kerry had been joined by Susan. They both looked so worried.

'Guys? What's going on?'

My water had broken, apparently.

'Oh God. Where's John? I need him to be here before I'm doing any pushing.' I remember how calm he always is at the birth of other people's children; how he said he'd panic at the birth of his own. 

In the end, I just had to get on with it. The room fell silent as my baby came into the world.

Silence.

Something that every new mother fears.

'What's wrong?' I already know.

They leave for what seems like a day. It was only a few hours.

'Abby, honey, the accident caused your baby to become distressed. The air supply was cut off, and I'm afraid she died.'

Oh. It was a girl. Natasha. He never knew what I wanted to call her. My brain doesn't want to register this new information.

'Abby? There's more.'

More? Oh God.

'John was killed in the crash.'

That's the clincher. I feel my heart split in two.

'Uh, can you leave me alone, please?'

I can't cry. It used to be that I wouldn't, but this time… This time my eyes won't drop the tears. I guess I'm beyond that already. I curl up, and imagine he's holding me, the way he did when our first baby died.

Oh, I've miscarried before, just after we were married. I thought then that nothing would match the pain. This surpasses it.

I can still feel her inside me, and I can feel his breath on my neck. I know it's not real, but it's what I feel.

I stay in my foetal position for nearly two days. During that time, I'm moved up to Psych. I try to sleep, I don't eat. Sometimes I take the drinks they bring. They've got me on suicide watch. Did you know that? Yeah, I guess you would. 24 hour suicide watch. People come by to offer their condolences. I don't care. There's nothing they can say or do.

It's our three year anniversary next week. Did I mention that? Yeah. I've written his card. The message reads the same every time:

I always loved you, and always will

Abby


End file.
